Leecaleb's Blog

A LONG LONG weekend November 1, 2009

Posted by leecaleb in Uncategorized.
trackback

I only slept 2 hrs on Friday night…. all because I wanted to spend time with RJ at the Experience Singapore Literature overnight thingy.

I have been trying to stick out…. trying to just hang on

I just want to forget the whole bloody thing and move on

I am not lying when I said that I want to just forget the whole bloody thing

I am not lying when I said that I want to just focus on and rem that RL loves me and wants me

But I just cannot hang on to being a person that I am not.

RL does not like that fact that I cannot accept the person i love to love someone else as well. he thinks that I should be happy and happy enough that he loves me.

I really wish and I truly wish that he will someday forget WJ. I am hanging on that hope.

Sometimes it is not what happens that matters, it is what we think.

I think therefore I am.

I am willing to be just contented to let things go their way. for him to continue loving WJ. I will not stop him.

But can’t I simply reserve a small part of my life!

A small part of my individuality

Can’t i simply just WANT what I want.

Is it unacceptable that I want what i believe in? No, according to RL. I should not live in the past and I should move on.

Then why can’t he?

I am just hanging on the rope now. That rope that tells me he loves me. I am simply existing for him. I know i cannot love him the same way without thinking about what I have lost. And something I have lost forever.

I simply exist to let him love. I will care for him and ensure he does not feel bad for me. I will continue to be strong for him.

But please let me mourn my loss. I do not know for how long I will mourn. Perhaps a lifetime. Maybe just a few more weeks. I do not know.

I only know that it is very stifling to be unable to do things you believe in. I feel like living someone else’s life.

RL once told me that if I didn’t let him try a 3way with WJ, he will tell me at his deathbed that he had lived my life and he never had a chance to live his.

So i did what i believed to be best for us. I let him.

Now that WJ is clearly on his own path. What can’t RL let go? Why must he make me go through the shit with him?

Time to sleep. Time to mourn. Have a safe flight RL.

I’ll stay sane and strong.